Monologue

Rokaya Chaarani

I know that I know nothing, that’s what he once said.

I was thinking, all my life, that I have the ability to keep my ideas together, to marshal them, to get meaning out of them forcefully. Yet, what was perplexing me is that there’s not enough time to get more ideas, to quench the thirst of my mind, to alleviate the excitement of my inner tide.

Oh God! I must be a fool to think that a lifetime is enough to live all the lives, meet all kinds of people, read all books, watch all movies, and discover the secret of it all… the meaning of life. Well, I thought that I can catch all the evil eyes and disguise mine, I thought that I can capsize the boats of my uncertainties and doubts, that I can push the whole world out. Yet, what I got to know is that there’s no nexus of me and something surreal, that every person in this world is a paragon of the perfect story, that all humans are marching in the same parade, that our different colors and seasons are all fusing into this big bubble of weepies.

Now that I realized the fact that my dark story is not standing on the podium, no one’s is, I can finally see that we are all going mad in a way or another, even though we’re not aware of it, we’re all driven by the desire of knowing, discovering, and unearthing the causes of our great suffering. Yes, knowledge, it’s because knowledge is reassuring, it makes us feel that our indelible emptiness is starting to wane, that our inclinations finally have excuses, it makes our ego grow more and more till it explodes.

Now, as a human, who is so overwhelmed by the current situation, I came to know that I have no control over my thoughts, my beautiful thoughts that appeared to be completely marred. I discovered that I can no longer enjoy being an outcast, for I am part of a great yet enigmatic narrative. And while everyone is now pointing fingers at who might be the source of the pandemic, I came to know that we should be more than ever united by our love and our faith, for it seems that we are all caught in the same abyss.

The hard lesson that I learnt is that even though I can discern the multi-dimensional aspects of life, and of who I am, I know that I know nothing, as he once said.

“I know that I know nothing.”
– Socrates.